BREASTFEEDING IS HARD WORK
When you become a new parent, it's though you've opened yourself up to unsolicited advice at every turn. Strangers at the supermarket have as many opinions as grandparents, and they'll tell you all about it if you stop to listen.
Has this ever happened to you? What's the strangest advice you've ever been given?
In my experience, nothing is more pervasive than the adage, "Breast is best." I've heard it so many times myself that I'm starting to wonder if I'm failing as a father for not letting my son latch onto my nipples, too. But let's dig into that phrase, to the assumptions behind it and the ever present irony of pressuring women to breast feed only to shame them for doing so in public.
Recently, my forever date asked me to write a poem about breastfeeding. I decided to do a little research so that I could better understand what breast milk really consists of and why so many insist that all good mothers breastfeed. One of the most surprising things I learned was that breastfeeding burns an enormous number of calories. In other words, breastfeeding is literally a workout. In order to generate milk, the body requires extra calories, more than it requires to ride 10-15 miles on a bicycle. Then there's the feeding, which requires even more calories.
So, when you come home from work and your partner complains that she's exhausted because she's been feeding the baby all day, she means it. I think a lot of men dismiss the work of breastfeeding since what we actually see is a mother and baby curled up on the couch or in bed. The fact is, every time mama bear makes enough milk for a feeding and latches the baby on for a meal, her body is going through the same thing a gym rat experiences during a 60-minute workout. Wow. Who knew?
Of course, anyone who has ever struggled with milk supply knows that the work isn't limited to generating milk and feeding babies. Quite the opposite, in fact. When my forever date needs to build up her supply, it's an all-hands-on-deck endeavor. There are accessories, vitamins, dietary supplements and grueling pumping schedules. Here's a quick list of the staples in our house:
Lactation Cookies
Lactation Smoothies
Milk Tea
Fenugreek
Sunflower Lecithin
Prenatal Vitamins
Breast Pump
Milk Storage Bags
Let's break this down a little more:
Lactation Cookies are specially formulated cookies with very little flavor and loads of vitamins. The secret ingredient is Brewer's Yeast, which we've only been able to find at the local health food store. My forever date's sister toys with the recipe, trying each time to give them a new twist. Lactation Smoothies involve a special powder which we mix with frozen bananas, almond milk and a little syrup. Then there's the milk tea, which ironically I love and my forever date loathes. These dietary supplements are not entirely horrible, but they get old in a hurry. We try to alternate between the three, but sometimes she has to load up and incorporate them all for days at a time.
Then there are the vitamins. Naturally, prenatal vitamins are essential for any woman who has just given birth. They're formulated to help regenerate the body and the like. The fenugreek is specific to milk supply. It's a nifty little supplement that has one wonderful side effect: it makes my forever date smell like maple syrup. Yum. The downside? She has to take 9 of these pills a day. Then there's the sunflower lecithin, which improves the flow of breast milk during feeding and pumping. She takes one in the morning and one in the evening. If you're counting, that's 12 pills a day on top of the special cookies and drinks.
That's not all, of course. We also have half the Medela line in our cabinets. The breast pump itself is fairly small and simple to operate, but it requires access to a plug and forces my forever date to sit still (no easy task in itself). We have breast shields, valves, membranes, tubing, storage bottles, storage bags and microwave steam cleaning bags. Since we can't always clean the pieces immediately, we have two sets of everything.
Of course, pumping isn't all about the pieces. It also requires diligence and a lot of time. On a normal day, mothers are supposed to pump after each feeding to ensure that the breasts are drained. This keeps supply up, as baby's failure to drain teaches the body that it's producing too much milk. This means that, in addition to the 30-45 minute feeding, mom has to hook herself up to a pump for an additional 2-5 minutes. And, like I said, this is on a normal day.
When the milk supply is low, my forever date has to power pump throughout the day. For those unfamiliar with power pumping, it involves pumping for 20 minutes, then alternating between 10 minute breaks and 10 minute pumping sessions for an hour, and repeat the process several times every day. Quick reminder: we have five kids between us and I work full-time. How is she supposed to spend hours a day attached to a pump?
The very act of breastfeeding is draining enough, but working to get her supply up makes us both grumpy and exhausted. She's determined to breastfeed for as long as she can, so we power through. Many days, though, we lose hope. We've also scaled back our ambitions; initially, we hoped to breastfeed for the first year. Now, we're hoping we make it to 6 months. It's a real challenge because our son is enormous and goes through constant growth spurts. At four months old, he's already eating about 6 oz per feeding.
And then there's the guilt. We feel guilty every time we give Grayson a formula bottle. The question is, why do we feel guilty?
Both of us know how hard we're working to breastfeed. We know that formula bottles are a necessary supplement when her supply is low. The reality is, sometimes our son only seems to get full when he's drinking formula. So what's the deal? Short answer: we can't stop hearing breast is best.
What about those times when breastfeeding really isn't the best option?
What about mothers who try everything, but simply cannot produce enough milk?
What about babies who can't latch or have special dietary needs?
When my daughters were born, they had severe heart and lung problems which required them to live in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) for several weeks. Anyone with twins will tell you that it's incredibly difficult to generate enough milk for multiple babies. Add to this that my daughters couldn't be held for the first 5 days, and even after that they were too frail for breastfeeding, and it was virtually a foregone conclusion that they would be formula babies.
Still, my ex-wife and I bent over backwards trying to build a supply through pumping and supplements. By the time they were released from the hospital, we thought we had a real shot. My daughters weren't out of the woods yet - they required sleep monitors because their lungs kept collapsing and their hearts stopped - but waking up constantly allowed more time to pump.
After a few weeks, we noticed that both girls were incredibly gassy. They couldn't sleep for more than an hour or two, and they spit up nearly every feeding. At one time, folks would have called them colicky babies. I'd done a bit of research, though, and I knew that colic was almost always due to lactose intolerance. So, we talked to our pediatrician and decided to try a lactose-free formula. Almost immediately the girls began to sleep for 4-5 hours over night. Their moods changed. They were, for the first time in their short little lives, happy babies.
Grayson has presented a similar challenge. In general, he's got a great disposition. He's very social and very curious. He usually only cries when he needs something, or when he's lonely. So, when we noticed that he was routinely fussy after formula bottles, we began trying various types of formula. We've both had lactose-intolerant babies, but Grayson's issue didn't seem related to lactose (thankfully - anybody ever had to buy Nutramigen on the regular?).
We tried about six different types of formula before discovering that he does best with the blends designed for sensitive stomachs. It's been a savior at times, as he has several medical issues that make it impossible to breastfeed for every meal. For a while, he couldn't even latch long enough to get full. Turns out, he needed surgery to correct a lip-tie and tongue-tie. Since then, he's been better about draining my partner's breasts. Still, there are days when he is simply too tired to work as hard as he needs to, and bottles are the only way to get him fed. Should we feel bad about recognizing his needs and adapting to them?
I don't think so. In fact, I don't think we should feel guilty at all. No parent should feel guilty about doing everything in their power to provide what their kids need. The fact of the matter is that breastfeeding is a lot of work. It's also magical. Literally magical. I mean, have you ever researched the incredible things the body does while breastfeeding?
The body senses the baby's temperature and adjusts core temperatures so the milk can help regulate baby. It knows when the seasons change, adapting to keep baby hydrated. It provides thicker milk when baby gets too lean. It recognizes when baby or mama gets sick and produces the necessary antibodies. See? Magic.
I say this not to shame those who don't breastfeed. Rather, I think it's important that we recognize what breastfeeding really entails. The thing about magic is that it's not normal. We dismiss how amazing the process is because it's "natural." But it's also amazing. We shouldn't reduce breastfeeding to an expectation. We should celebrate it. We should acknowledge the sheer wonder of it. And we should support those who try desperately to breastfeed but, for whatever reason, are unable.
Why do we assume that mothers who rely on formula simply aren't trying?
What has your experience been with breastfeeding? Did you encounter any judgment or guilt? Join the conversation below!
