SACRIFICE AND DOING WHAT'S BEST: A HEATED DEBATE
Sacrifice is not the suffering that we are willing to inflict upon others, but the suffering which we endure for the sake of others.
Mallerie and I have been discussing sacrifice a lot lately, in large part because we're in the midst of a heated debate with my ex-wife over the best custody schedule for the twins when they begin school. The last few weeks have been tumultuous and emotionally draining. We feel like we're not making progress toward a custody schedule, and we can't seem to find common ground with my ex-wife when we try to work through disagreements.
I spent the better part of yesterday thinking about why we are having such a difficult time communicating about what's best for our girls. Eventually, I realized that my ex-wife and I are entrenched on either side of a common debate among parents:
Does good parenting require personal sacrifice?
On the surface, I think almost all parents would answer, "Yes, of course good parenting requires personal sacrifice."
The reason that my ex-wife and I can't see eye-to-eye reflects the problem with abstraction and idealism. You see, we both entered into our current conversation over custody and school enrollment by agreeing that the schedule wouldn't be ideal for either of us, but that we must both make sacrifices in order to do what's best for the girls.
Great. We agree. So what's the problem, again?
Well, my ex-wife is definitely willing to make sacrifices, or at least she thinks that she is. The problem is that her idea of sacrifice is very different from mine.
For example: my ex-wife wants to keep the girls on Sunday nights because she values overnight stays with the girls, even though she knows that this will require the girls to wake up at 5:45 on Monday morning and climb into their car seats by 6:30 so that they can make the hour-long drive to school. In this example, my ex-wife sees her commute as the sacrifice. I see the girls' sleep schedules and exhaustion as the sacrifice.
Similarly, my ex-wife views the girls attending an inferior school or living in a more dangerous neighborhood as acceptable because she believes that it's more important for our daughters to see her happy than to see her sacrificing her happiness. She also argues in favor of having them during the week even though it would mean that the girls would almost never be able to visit her side of the family in Oklahoma. She sees these things as sacrifices that she's making, rather than sacrifices the girls and her family will endure.
By comparison, I commute more than an hour each way to work because my job is stable, and I don't want to move the girls out of a neighborhood where they see family every day, live near a park, and have access to an excellent school. I also let my mother keep the girls one night each week, despite the fact that this means every other week I only get to see the girls for one evening. I do this for two reasons: the girls' first real memories are living in my mother's house, and their relationship with her is something I want to foster because I think family is a vital part of a healthy life. My commute and my time with the girls are things that I see as sacrifice.
Now, I don't mean to make this a comparison, and I'm not trying to demonize my ex-wife. We both love the girls tremendously. I have never doubted that.
What I'm getting at is this: we have a fundamental disagreement about what's best for the girls.
I think the best thing for the girls is access to family, a strong and diverse school district, proximity to an outdoor park, consistency, minimal time in the car, and a healthy sleep schedule. My ex-wife thinks that the best thing for the girls is that they see her living the life that she wants.
She believes that her happiness is the most important thing for them to witness because it will, by proxy, teach them to prioritize their happiness when they are older. This philosophy stems from her mother, who feels like she gave so much of herself to parenting and marriage that she lost who she was, and her own need for autonomy outside of parenting (these aren't presumptions, but things that my ex-wife has expressed directly). So, her priority is that the girls see her pursuing that autonomy.
We literally cannot find a balance when we discuss what's best for the girls because we have entirely different understandings of that phrase. We've both dug our heels in, so to speak, and we're both convinced that what we're fighting for is in the best interest of the girls.
Really, how do you compromise when you're speaking different languages?
If we look at what courts consider, then what's best for the girls is a safe, stable environment and a strong relationship with the parent in question. They also consider work schedules, school districts, and living situations. Certain states factor in a relationship with siblings. Childhood development communities prioritize access to social learning environments and deliberate learning trajectories. And, of course, there's the old adage: "mothers know best."
This last one may be the most difficult for me to navigate as a father, and the reason I constantly feel like I have to defend my place in my children's lives. Articles like "Top 10 Things Mothers Do Better Than Fathers" surround me, and most people seem to agree with their sentiments despite the fact that few of these articles present any actual data or input from child psychologists.
I am sure that my ex-wife is routinely reminded by her family and friends that she knows what's best for our daughters better than anybody. How do I, as a father, fit into the conversation?
Right now, I don't. My ex-wife is convinced that her philosophy is sound. She is either unable or unwilling to hear me when I present any opinion counter to her own, to consider that her wishes and her emotional needs are tied to the well-being of our daughters, to accept that perhaps her vision of sacrifice shifts suffering onto others in order to preserve her happiness.
I know that a tenuous relationship with my ex-wife is bad for the girls. I know that a custody battle is bad for the girls. I want desperately to preserve a civil relationship so that my girls experience as much with each of us as possible. So, I hold my tongue. I loosen my grip. I accommodate my ex-wife even when I know it's not good for our daughters.
I'm forced to decide not what is best for my daughters, but how much suffering they will manage in order to placate my ex-wife.
If this feels unfair, remember that her top priority is "letting the girls see her happy." Implied in that statement is that my ex-wife will protect her happiness at all costs. For her, the balance is not in how much she can sacrifice for the girls and remain happy, but how much is acceptable for the girls to sacrifice in order for her to remain happy.
My only hope at compromise is not to find balance in what I can sacrifice for the girls in order to give them the best life, but what I can sacrifice in order to keep my ex-wife happy. Do you see the problem?
We're locked in a heated debate about our daughters, yet everything circles back to my ex-wife.
The absurdity of that statement has infiltrated my entire day. I cannot escape the frustration, the despair, the doubt that we will ever find a resolution.
My girls are quickly approaching kindergarten. I know what they need, and yet it seems inevitable that they will not get what they need. I have the means and the desire to do what's best, and yet I am unable.
