ROUTINE IS THE KEY TO STAYING SANE
One of the debates I find myself circling back to on a regular basis is whether or not kids thrive when they have routines. Despite myriad arguments in favor of routines (see this, this, this, and/or this), I still encounter plenty of parents who associate routine with rigidity, who argue that kids need freedom rather than restriction.
For some, the issue is really just semantic. Some parents misunderstand the word routine, equating it with an uncompromising schedule that prevents children from playing and/or eliminates their ability to self-select activities. Others tend to equate routines with schedules; though the difference is nuanced, the distinction is extremely important.
Tracy Cassels, a mother with a Ph.D. in Developmental Psychology, defines routines as "the behaviours we enact in the same order each time we assume an activity." Schedules, on the other hand, are "a plan for performing work or achieving an objective, specifying the order and allotted time for each part." It wasn't until I read her breakdown on the differences between routines and schedules that I truly understood one of the fundamental gaps between my method of parenting and my ex-wife's.
We have argued, time and again, about what routine looks like in the home. We both agree that routine is vital. And yet, we continue to bicker over recurring issues like tending to our daughters' nails and getting clothes back after a transition from one home to the other. Though we alternate time with our daughters consistently, clothes pile up at my ex-wife's house, the girls return to us often complaining that their fingernails are too long, and their hair is riddled with tangles.
A few months ago, I was particularly frustrated and we hashed out why it was so hard to get past these seemingly simple issues. I sent her article after article about the importance of routine, and she agreed with the authors. She insisted that the girls followed a routine at her house every time they stayed with her. Ultimately, we compared notes; I shared some of our routines with her, and she shared her routine with us.
I talked about our after-school routine: the kids get home and have playtime/homework time until dinner, clear their place at the table, take baths, clean up the playroom, tell everyone goodnight, etc. She responded in turn with a similar breakdown, including times for each part of the evening. We were, for the most part, describing similar evenings. So what was the issue?
We were using the same word to describe different things. I just couldn't see it, then.
For instance: when we get the girls on a transition day, we automatically put the clothes the girls are wearing into a bag and set it by the door. When it's time to move from one activity to another, we signal transitions with familiar phrases like, "In three minutes we're going to ." The kids' clothes are laid out and placed in the same place at the beginning of the week. When they get home from school, they remove shoes and put them away. Boots by the door, and shoes in the organizer against the wall.
In contrast, what my ex-wife describes are specific activities at specific times each day. While a schedule is beneficial for children, psychologists are not pushing for parents to build schedules. They're emphasizing the importance of expected behaviors/interactions.
Kids aren't exactly masterful about remembering things. Actually, Mallerie isn't very good with memory, either. But where she excels is in establishing routines to eliminate the need for remembering. Adults do this constantly, from time-clocks to morning rituals, but it's easy to forget about reinforcing these behaviors with kids when the week descends into chaos or your sleep patterns shift.
The thing is, we make parenting so much harder than it has to be when we don't prioritize routines. Need some evidence?
Consider this scenario:
You have five children: one 9-year-old, one 7-year-old, 3-year-old twins, and a one-year-old. The two oldest have to be at school by 7:45. The twins have to be at school by 8:30. The schools are 30 minutes apart. The baby has his morning poop approximately 1.5 hours after he wakes up. Your task: get all the kids ready for school, fill their bellies, pack lunches, and get home before the baby's bowels explode. Oh, and you're doing it all on your own because your partner works an hour away and leaves before the sun comes up. Ready? Go!
Pretty amazing, right? Mallerie manages to do this every week, and with such skill that she quite literally never forgets a lunch, nap mat, or school handout. The kids are so well-dressed that strangers postulate how long we subject the kids to primping. Well, you have your evidence, folks. Mallerie can make the impossible happen in about an hour. Consistently.
Her secret? Routine.
The kids wake up to alarms, and they know precisely where their clothes are. They know to brush their teeth after they use the bathroom. Once dressed, they wait their turn for a quick spot check and to have their hair fixed. Then, it's downstairs for breakfast. Lunches and backpacks are packed the night before. Nap mats and clothes are by the door. AJ buckles in the twins while Mallerie gets the baby into his car seat. And, scene.
When kids know what you expect and how to meet those expectations, the vast majority will strive to do what you need them to do. And they'll thrive. Our mornings aren't about schedules and time allotments. They're about behaviors. Habits. Rituals.
On some level, they're also about survival. There's absolutely no way that Mallerie would make it through the morning on a daily basis if we didn't have routines. In the absence of routines, parents yell. They cry. Kids run amok. They yell. They cry. No one is happy.
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