FIVE WAYS TO LOVE YOUR PARTNER'S PREGNANT BODY
I think we can all agree that pregnancy puts the body under enormous stress. As a culture, I’ve noticed that we are quick to acknowledge the fluctuating hormones and pains of pregnancy. We’re even happy to make jokes about the cravings and aversions. What we spend less time doing, as a society, is celebrating the incredible magic happening during pregnancy.
Below is a brief list of ways that you can remedy that with your partner. This is certainly not an exhaustive list. There are myriad ways to love your partner's pregnant body, many of which are specific to your partner. Have something to add? Join the conversation in the comments section and help us all better support our pregnant partners!
1. PRAISE FORM AND FUNCTION
If your partner is anything like mine, then a lot of her discontent manifests in negative feelings about her beauty. It's natural to try and counter that by continually praising her body, emphasizing the fact that pregnancy isn't diminishing her looks at all. This can be helpful, but it's not enough.
The thing about pregnancy is that the physical changes are all rooted in the act of creation. Ironically, few conversations about a pregnant woman's body center on the fact that they are literally growing a human. I mean, holy mother of everything, they are growing humans and we're busy talking about how great their swollen boobs look.
I'm the kind of guy who likes to understand everything. Yes, everything. When one of our kids ask me a question I don't know the answer to, I'm compelled to read as much as I can about it after they go to bed. It's just how I operate. Naturally, I wanted to read every book and article on pregnancy that I could find. Do this.
Pregnant bodies are incredible, and vocalizing your awe is a great way to celebrate your partner's superpowers (yes, growing a human is a superpower). I recommend downloading pregnancy tracker apps, particularly those which describe what's happening with both your partner and the baby. And never forget that everything happening with the baby is an extension of your partner.
Does it sound crazy to shout "Did you know your nipples are darker so the baby can find them?!" in the middle of a restaurant? Maybe. But it also acknowledges that a possible source of insecurity is specifically designed to care for your child.
Think about this one: most pregnant women's hearts actually grow during pregnancy. Scientifically, this is because they're under greater stress and must support the baby. But I'm a poet first, and I think it's absolutely surreal that my partner, who is suddenly more emotional and forever attached to our new baby, grows a bigger heart. She makes room for her new love. What?! Surrender unto the goddess that is motherhood.
2. BE READY TO LAUGH
Pregnancy is hilarious.
No, really. I have never laughed so hard or so often as I did while Mallerie was pregnant. We laughed about everything. Her mood swings. Her inexplicable desire for McDonald’s chicken nuggets and milkshakes (both things she loathed prior to pregnancy). The unbelievably awkward sex. Here are a few of my favorite memories:
I have a habit of bursting into songs. Any time. Any place. When the spirit hits, I just start singing. One day during the third trimester, we were standing in the bedroom. As she turned to leave the room, I belted out, “Drop it like it’s hot.” Without missing a beat, Mallerie responded, “Babe, if I drop it like it’s hot, I won’t be able to get back up.” Quick wit, meet pregnant humor.
One source of laughter which replayed itself throughout the second and third trimesters was the three-point turn. Anybody ever tried to maneuver an SUV through a tight U-turn? That’s a little like sharing a queen bed with a very pregnant partner. By the 8th month, I actually had to get out of bed so that Mallerie could position her arms and get the proper momentum to turn onto her other side. I had two choices: I could grumble about the nightly interruptions, or we could laugh. We chose laughter. Obviously.
Another fun one was the search for the most efficient sex position. TMI? Deal with it. Pregnant women like sex, too. The tricky part is finding a position (or positions, for you ambitious readers) that works. Pregnancy puts pressure on ribs, hips, lungs…the list goes on. So, how do you minimize the pain? Turns out, the answer evolves throughout the pregnancy. I won’t get into the details, but we did what we had to to make it work, and we had good sex all the way up to 38 weeks. The secret? Again, laughter. We let our sex be silly and ridiculous. What else can you do when your partner’s belly is so big you have to plot a route to kiss her?
Comedy isn’t limited to the bedroom. These are just a few of the myriad moments we chose laughter over insecurity, which brings me to my next point.
3. ACCEPT HER INSECURITIES
News flash: insecurities during pregnancy are inevitable. Mallerie and I are committed to a body positive household, especially in front of our kids. We're careful not to lament weight gain or protest when others compliment us. That doesn't change the fact that pregnancy puts a woman's body under enormous strain, and those changes almost always lead to insecurity.
Two of the more obvious points of insecurity are acne and stretch marks. Both are completely natural and unavoidable, but they're also virtually impossible to hide. They're a bit different from the rapidly expanding belly because people rarely look at acne and stretchmarks as signs of creation. Similarly, the body can get a bit softer, especially when babies sit high and put pressure on the lungs.
I'm speaking in generalizations, but the point is not what your specific partner experiences. The point is how you respond to it. Here are a few of the ways I responded that didn't work:
"No, you're not fat/disgusting. You're beautiful." - While this is a sincere statement, it does absolutely nothing to help. Arguing with anyone's self-perception is futile, and pregnant women are no different. It's important to recognize this impulse and fight it. Simply denying your partner's feelings could make her feel even more alone in her insecurity.
"I love you exactly as you are." - Again, this may sound sweet and reassuring, but it ignores one very important thing: your partner may not love herself exactly as she is. I don't mean to be harsh, but we have to remember that it doesn't matter how we feel when we're trying to encourage or support our partner. Keep the focus on what your partner is feeling.
"You know I think you're gorgeous." - Nope. I don't care if you tell your partner every day; sometimes, she doesn't know, or doesn't believe you're being honest. Again, instead of focusing on what you think or see, accept that what she is experiencing is real for her. Make a point of vocalizing your affection as often as possible, and don't get frustrated if she argues or doesn't believe you. It's not about you. It's about the discomfort of literally growing a human.
What does help is allowing your partner to feel insecure and supported. The message is not so much that your partner isn't fat/disgusting (because of course she's not), but that you will stand by her and work with her through whatever she needs.
Side note: if your partner feels alone in her weight gain, she may be combative about you staying in shape. How you respond is up to you. I chose to stop going to the gym and to laugh at the pregnancy weight I put on. This created a space for us both to be honest about our bodies without feeling shame. Instead of feeling alone, my partner felt more connected.
4. INDULGE HER WHIMS
One of the more pervasive stereotypes about pregnant women is that they have intense, sudden cravings and equally visceral aversions. This was certainly the case with Mallerie, who was consumed with the need for milkshakes and McDonald's chicken nugget meals. The cravings were certainly strange, as she normally can't stomach anything from McDonald's and loathes milky desserts. But the point is not what your partner desires; it's how you respond to it.
Mallerie already had two kids, but she had never had a baby with someone who was willing to indulge her cravings. So, when she first began sending me out at 2 in the morning for chicken nuggets, she was honestly just testing to see if I would go. She even specified that she wanted milkshakes from a specific restaurant 20 minutes away. Every time she wanted something, I went.
This may seem like a way to enable horrible dieting, but what it really meant for her is that she could trust me to step up when she needed something. At the time, most of her whims were fast-food related, but we all know that baby was looming on the horizon. Indulging her during pregnancy helped her trust that I would be equally attentive when baby arrived, and there are few things as important as a pregnant woman knowing that she can rely on her partner.
Of course, there are a few bonuses to indulging your partner. For starters, it makes her feel special. Why else would you get dressed and drive across town every night well after you've gone to sleep? It also affirms her physical changes as acceptable by proxy. That was never really my goal, but I'll take it.
Understand that I'm not condoning an unhealthy pregnancy. Rather, I'm encouraging you to find a way to indulge your partner and find a healthy way to balance those cravings. If she's ready to fight for the best strawberry milkshake on a daily basis, cook her a high-protein, low-fat breakfast or take her for a delicious salad at lunch. That way, you're being attentive to both her wants and needs.
5. BELIEVE IN MAGIC
Perhaps most important, at least for me, is that you believe in magic. At the end of the day, your pregnant partner is doing something that religions spend whole books celebrating: she's creating life. Holy heart, that's amazing!
The best way to love her pregnant body is to let your wonder show. Let her know that what she's doing is a friggin' superpower. Too often we forget that. Most woman are capable of carrying children, so what's the big deal, right? Wrong.
The big deal is that inside your partner's uterus, a tiny little beating heart morphs from a shapeless blob to a human being. Your partner grows your baby's brain, its skeleton, every muscle and every ligament. What?!
I know it sounds simple, but I geeked the hell out during pregnancy. It's one thing for your partner to see you excited about baby; it's quite another to see you literally in awe of what her body is doing behind the scenes.
When the ultrasound pops up and you see limbs that weren't there last time, lose your damn mind. When it occurs to you that the lemon tree in your backyard shares a kinship with your partner's body, say it out loud. Never let your wonder stay locked in your head. She needs to hear about it.
How do I know? Because I failed on this front with my son, and my partner still believes that watching her carry my son wasn't exciting for me. It shatters me to know that, for so many months, I didn't voice how amazed I was at her ability to grow our son. My forever date is a woman who loves being a mother more than anything else, yet I robbed her of that joy by staying silent.
Don't make the same mistake I did.
Never, ever assume she already knows how magical she is.
So, what did I miss? How do you love or celebrate your partner's pregnant body? Share your tips and stories in the comments below!
