6 REASONS I LOVE PARENTING WITH A TRIBE
One of the strange things about parenting in America is that most see the family unit as a nuclear one. In a sense, families outside the standard mom/dad/children structure are, at best, overlooked and, at worst, criticized in one way or another. Compare this to other cultures, or even to early American settlers, and our vision of family is instantly odd. But let's be real: my partner and I have five children under 8 years old, so this is by no means a history lesson. This is just one dad, exhausted and overwhelmed, shining light on the power of parenting with a tribe.
When I say that I am surrounded by love and support, I mean I am literally surrounded. I live with my mother and step-father; my partner lives with her mother and two sisters. Between us, we have two grandmas, a grandpa, and two aunts who pitch in on the daily. And then there’s my father and step-mother a couple hours away when things really hit the fan.
Okay, fine. So I have a lot of folks around. What's so great about that? Glad you asked.
1. DIVERSE PERSONALITIES HELP BUILD IDENTITY
One of the most important things about parenting, in my mind, is that you shape well-rounded children who can think for themselves. Nothing helps more than constant exposure to diverse caretakers. Our kids regularly interact with powerhouse alpha women, a sensitive and goofy guy, and even one or two who generally hate kids but are intensely loyal to family. Our children really do get to see every shade on the personality spectrum.
2. TRANSITIONS ARE EASIER
Divorce, a common reality for today’s family, often means that children are changing hands constantly. Raising kids with a tribe has actually helpful in navigating custody agreements. Because they spend time with so many people, home is more abstract for them, a collection of faces and doors and beds that all welcome them. Rather than feeling divided, they often rattle off all the people they love and who love them while they play. They've internalized the notion of family.
3. IT'S OKAY IF I'M NOT MY FULL SELF
One of the hardest things about parenting is the immense pressure of showing up, day after day, for every one of your kids. Of course, anyone with a child knows that there are days when you just can't. We experience the full range of emotions, too, and sometimes we don't have it in us to be everything our kids need. With a tribe, our littles get constant, consistent care. If one of us needs to tap out, someone else steps right in. We get to prioritize our own health without sacrificing care for our kids.
4. THERE ARE COUNTLESS SKILLS BEING TAUGHT
In our tribe, mama can't bake to save her life, but one the aunts can, which means our kids get to learn the ins and outs. Mama steps in to teach the kids how to manage allowance and birthday money. I help with the homework and reading, while another aunt takes crafts and building things. When we play board games, everyone coaches the kids with a different strategy. They are literally exposed to hundreds of specific skills because our tribe complements one another.
5. OUR KIDS LEARN TO SEEK OUT SUPPORT
Parenting with a tribe teaches kids that they don't have to go to a specific parent for support. If one of us is busy, they turn to someone else. This gets them ready for school and workplace hierarchies, as they're learning that they aren't limited to one person when they need help. I never had that. In fact, my first grade teacher famously begged my mom for help getting me to ask questions when I was confused. Our kids are already comfortable asking anyone in the tribe to explain a homework problem or philosophize about the universe.
6. THEY HAVE COMPLEX, FLUID UNDERSTANDINGS OF ROLES
Few would deny that America is more than adept at reinforcing very specific gender roles, especially within the family. From movies to television to books, the onslaught of tropes is constant. Grandparents are fun, but irresponsible. Dads are strong and protective. Moms hold you when you cry. Yadda yadda yadda. In our tribe, those roles are much more complex. Dad is the go-to for sad pandas. Mama runs the house. We have a grandma who’s nurturing and firm with discipline, and another who’s all about games and outings. One grandpa cooks, cleans and gardens, but also builds rocking horses. The list goes on, but it's the result I value most: our kids will never see roles as rigid or restrictive. They see each member of the tribe as part of a whole, rather than a specific piece locked into a rigid role.
I can’t speak outside my own experience, but I genuinely believe that parenting with a tribe is the best thing for my kids. Some parents may not live near family or have the support that I do, but tribes don’t have to be family. Sometimes, it’s a group of parents who work together. Sometimes, it’s a core of great friends. Whatever the case, when raising a family, I say the more the merrier.
