WILL YOUR PARTNER BE A GOOD PARENT?
So you're a single parent ready to enter the dating world again. If you're anything like me, the biggest question in your mind isn't where to meet for a first date or what movie to see on a Friday night; the question lingering behind every match and every message is:
Will the person on the other end make a good parent?
The first time I asked myself that question, I broke off an engagement. The second time, I had eleven-month-old twins with my wife of six years. The third time, I was a single father sharing custody after a lengthy separation and divorce. Each time, I had a stronger understanding of what I value in a potential parent to my children.
Here are a few things I've learned to look for (in no particular order):
1. Patience forming a relationship with my kids.
As a child of divorce myself, I still have memories of the men my mother dated before marrying my step-dad. Some of them were fine, if a little dull, and generally left me alone. Others were determined to be my best friend the first time I met them, and got angry when I resisted. They didn't understand that, for most of my early childhood, it was just me and my mom. I wasn't accustomed to sharing her with strange men, and I certainly wasn't comfortable with them touching my shoulder or jostling my hair.
The one good thing that came from this is that I've been able to learn from their mistakes. Not only do I make it known early in a relationship that I won't force or expect a partner's kids to like me; I also tell them bluntly that I don't expect my kids to warm up to them over night. Trust me, it's better this way. And if the relationship sticks, the kids will come around.
It took over a year for me to form a bond with Mallerie's oldest, but now she's comfortable talking with me about her fears and anxieties. She hugs me every day. She draws pictures for me. None of that would have happened if I'd demanded that she interact with me or be nice to me as soon as we met. She needed the space and the time to choose whether or not we would bond.
(Mallerie had the same goal, but she's like catnip for children and my daughters loved her immediately!)
2. The phone doesn't dominate their attention.
Perhaps this is a personal thing, but I have no respect for the parent who can better describe their Facebook feed than the clothes their child is wearing. I've shared my kids with that kind of parent, and I refuse to do it again. Don't get me wrong; I don't have a vendetta against phones or social media. I just cannot connect with someone who would rather scroll through a back-lit screen than make believe or burst out in impromptu song with our littles.
Side note - this also applies to television and computers. Basically, if you spend more time with the digital world than you do with our kids, we're not going to get along. And this is coming from a teacher. I know there's always an email to respond to or a page that needs to be updated, but it can wait. Kids grow up way too fast as it is. Save the work for after they go to sleep or, heaven forbid, tomorrow morning.
3. They post more pictures of family than of themselves.
Want to get a good sense for who comes first in a family? Take a look at a date's Instagram or Facebook posts. What dominates the landscape? Chances are, the answer to that question is going to take center stage in your relationship.
I get that many people don't want to be defined solely by their role as a parent, and I respect the need for a life outside your kids. It really is important.
That said, I view social media as a place to brag and/or dote. I want someone who dotes on our kids, not themselves. I mean, your new haircut is great and all, but what about that insanely cute moment at the park when all your kids were catching bubbles together?
For me, that moment is more valuable, and that moment is the one I want to share with friends. They know what I look like. They know I have great style and a penchant for coffee. But they don't know about our morning ritual on the porch, where we bribe the kids to stand still for a picture, or that we all got soaked at Sea World even though we tried to sit outside the splash zone.
4. They genuinely listen to and show an interest in my kids.
Ask any parent what the most annoying thing about kids is and most will tell you, "They never listen to me." Funny, then, how often parents pretend to listen to their kids.
Smile, nod, toss in an "uh huh" or an excited "really" for good measure. We all know the drill. The thing is, our kids know it, too. Don't believe me? Consider this: most of my high school students tell me that I spend more time talking to them than their own parents. That's just sad.
Kids are fascinating creatures! Adult minds are boxed in, overly concerned with categories and deadlines and responsibility. Kids don't give a damn! They're brilliant and creative and curious. They really do want to know "Why?" even if it's the 97th time they've asked (okay, so a few know that it just makes you nuts).
If you've met my girls more than once and don't know their favorite colors or which shoes they like best, it's not happening. Maybe that seems harsh. I mean, kids' interests change with the weather, right? I'll give you that. But any good parent also knows that some things never change. For my girls, the jellies are the best shoes ever because they smell like strawberries and they're waterproof. Try to put shoes on them just once and you'll hear all about it. I want a partner who relishes in those moments, not the one who tunes them out.
5. Kids aren't seen as an intrusion or nuisance.
Okay, before you check out entirely, yes kids can totally intrude and they can totally annoy us. We've all locked ourselves in the bathroom or pretended to be sleeping for one breakdown or another, right?
I can understand the parent who just needs a minute to breathe. Most days, I need that.
What I can't understand is the parent who sees kids as inherently intrusive and bothersome. Children are magical beings. Little sprites that bounce around the house giggling (until someone stubs a toe or scrapes a knee, at which point they transform into howling alley cats), making up games with the empty box in the living room and the cookie cutter shapes on the counter. Good parents see kids for who they are, not for the havoc they can create.
So yes, I can forgive you for locking the bedroom door on Friday night. I can sympathize with the need for 5-minute mediation in the closet. But at the end of the day, I want a partner as enthralled with our kids as I am.
6. They want to hear stories about milestones and major events.
Notice the emphasis because, for this dad, it's key. I'm not content with a partner who is willing to hear stories about my kids. I want a partner who asks for one more anecdote.
I knew that Mallerie was going to be great with my kids on our first date because she was more interested in my daughters than she was in me. Some people may not like that, but I adored how curious she was specifically because I'm more interested in my daughters than I am in myself. All of the coolest, most braggadocio-worthy moments in my life involve my daughters.
I'm not trying to be self-deprecating. I'm fine with who I am. But my daughters are freaking amazing and the whole world needs to know.
Note: Being with Mallerie has actually enlightened me to just how important this is. I'm the worst at taking pictures and writing down the moments I never want to forget. Before we got together, I had maybe a few dozen pictures and a handful of poems about my girls. With just a month of meeting my daughters, Mallerie had already taken more pictures of them than I had in their entire lives.
I used to say that I prefer to live in the moment, not in the camera, and I believed that I would forever remember my girls' milestones because that's just good parenting.
The truth is, I needed a partner who was so excited about every moment of ours kids' lives that she forced me to capture memories concretely. She even pushed me to start Dad Arms so that I would have, forever and in writing, every major (and many minor) moment in our family. Listening to her has proven to be one of the best decisions I've ever made as a parent.
Is this an exhaustive list? Of course not. A universal one? Come on.
Every parent is different. You've got to learn what you value and what sort of dynamic you want with your partner. I can't tell you what that looks like. All I have are my experiences. And for me, this is where good parenting starts.
Are you reentering the dating pool? What do you look for in a partner? What are your deal breakers?
