RUDOLPH SUCKS, AND OTHER HOLIDAY TALES
I'm returning from a self-imposed hiatus just in time for the holiday season. My graduate work is (mostly) complete, the election is over, and Halloween is a distant memory. I even managed to skip right over the Starbucks holiday cup debacle. (What audacity, commissioning a stunning piece of visual art and using our caffeine addiction to promote unity!) All kidding aside, the fervor (again) ignited over a holiday cup which fails to explicitly invoke the holidays has got me thinking about just how many holiday traditions are, at best, awful and, at worst, downright terrifying. Let's consider a few:
1. RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER
On the surface, this is a cute little story of triumph. Mutant reindeer gets picked on, Santa gets skiddish about a snow storm, and formerly overlooked mutant reindeer saves the day. Hooray! Let's make a song and sing it with our kids. Let's adapt the underdog trope to fit the winter wonderland! Rudolph is so inspir--
Hold up. Isn't this really a story of normalized bullying that goes unchecked by Santa until the victim of said bullying is suddenly useful, at which point Santa the Enabler exploits his difference for personal gain? I mean, I'm as happy as anybody that Rudolph gets to lead the slay through a blizzard. That's awesome. But how can we share this holiday tradition with our children and not address the behavior of the other reindeer, or the responsibility of old Saint Nick to curb that behavior? There's also the issue of the triumphant ending, in which the other reindeer are willing to accept Rudolph if they can continue to exploit his difference.
Not following? Think I'm too sensitive? Perhaps. But I'm not the only one who thinks this little ditty is rife with ethical conundrums.
Artwork by Desarae Lee
2. ELF ON THE SHELF
Okay. Who in the blue hell came up with the idea of putting elves around the house in various stages of mischief under the auspice that they're watching your children and reporting back to an old white dude? Yes, Santa is jolly and has ruddy cheeks. He's cute and chubby. Great. But this tradition manages to normalize an Orwellian nightmare and celebrate stalkers. We're talking about creatures that sneak in and out of the house unnoticed, that keep tabs on children and report their behavior to man promising gifts. Um...what?
I tried to get behind this one. I really did. Mallerie loves the elves and uses them to reinforce the house rules. But I can't get past the idea that a) we've commodified the very real fear of being watched, b) we're teaching kids that good behavior always has rewards, and c) the damn elves get into shit every freaking night. Can someone explain how these little monsters of mayhem are supposed to teach kids how to be good when they're busy shaving people's heads, making a mess of the kitchen, and leaving powdered sugar everywhere?
But hey, we can just play dumb, right? Pretend no one talked about this when the toys first infiltrated our otherwise safe, stalker-free homes? Oops. Maybe not.
*Note: I was going to put an image here, but I legitimately struggled to find a single one that didn't make me uneasy. We're talking voyeurism, fecal humor, murderous escapades, and substance abuse. All for a laugh. Maybe that does it for some, but I'm not about rape culture and mocking addiction on the daily, so I'm definitely not down to see folks getting into the holiday spirit by making light of very real, very pertinent issues.
3. SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN
And you'd better not mess up, or you're getting jack diddly for Christmas. No, really.
He sees you when you're sleeping.
He knows when you're awake.
Y'all, can someone explain why we're obsessed with stalkers? I mean, if I whispered those words in an elevator I'd be escorted from the building.
I've known this song probably as long as I've known how to tie my shoes, which means I internalized that a dude who is not my family, who does not live with me, is watching me before I knew not to put foil in the microwave. Maybe you're okay with that, but I'm a little sketched out that I learned this song in school and now every school has security cameras.
Do we need to revisit the fact that 1984 was a DYSTOPIA? Big Brother may be a hit show on CBS, but it ain't the way to teach our young ones things like integrity and compassion. The moment we fall back on an invisible eye in the sky to curb bad behavior, we dismiss the importance of "[being] good for goodness sake."
*To avoid being redundant, let's just acknowledge right now that the Tooth Fairy is a special kind of creepy. She's not just a stalker like the others; she sneaks into your child's room and leaves them money in exchange for a body part.
4. OH HEY, EASTER BUNNY! TRICK OR TREAT, NEIGHBOR!
Skipping past all the Roman holdovers about a fertility festival turned kid's candy fest, let's dig into yet another creeper jaunting through our homes while everybody sleeps. And for what? Candy! Yay, candy!
Wait, I thought we taught our kids never to take candy from strangers? Unless, of course, that stranger is a giant magical bunny who likes to hide treat-filled eggs everywhere. Because what's terrifying about that?
Okay, okay. I'll leave the fluffy woodland creatures alone. It's not like the Easter bunny dresses up as a monster and tries to scare people, right? And we've never heard of a bunny poisoning the basket full of treats. Dude just likes to spread the love. Besides, the chocolate eggs help ameliorate the children being forced into church clothes for their once-a-year lesson on Jesus. Cool. I can get down.
But y'all, what the hell with Halloween? This is a holiday which literally thrives on fear. And it's marketed to our kids. Sure, the haunted houses have age limits, and plenty of folks have adults-only movie marathons, but we can't deny that the most pervasive tradition is handing out candy to our little ones as they traipse around in costumes.
Here's the thing: I don't like my neighbors. In fact, I don't trust them. And if we're talking about people who live more than a couple blocks away, I don't even know their names. So why in heaven's name am I sending my kids up the driveway to beg for sugar? I don't even let my kids eat processed sugar more than once a week.
Still, this is a holiday tradition that we know is a bad idea. There are literally dozens of articles and web pages instructing us on how to check our kids' candy for dangerous paraphernalia. Sure, most of the stories are urban myths, and the one confirmed account of someone dying was actually a dad trying to kill his own kids, but the fact remains that candy can be a vulnerable treat. We develop rules for what kids can eat, teach them how to sort their treasure, and then comb through it with them.
But look how cute!
Photos by Brynna Elzey
I know. I get it. Mallerie did an amazing job on the costumes. We literally had a brood of forest critters. How could we not go off in search of free candy?
And that's the thing: I'm just like you. Informed, aware, and hopelessly locked in traditions that either no longer make sense, or legitimately make us question just what we're trying to teach our kids. Sometimes, it's about not wanting our kids to feel left out when all their friends are celebrating. Other times, the holiday tricks get them excited.
So what are we to do?
The answer is simple, really. Talk to them. Be honest about the problems inherent in their favorite holiday traditions. Speak openly about the ways in which our actions can unintentionally reinforce behaviors that we don't believe in or agree with. This is the perfect space for conversations about passivity and complicity. I'm not saying to turn the holiday season into a lecture, but yes, I think we all should capitalize on teachable moments. We can teach our kids and let them have fun simultaneously.
Is it a perfect ending? Nah. But it feels good to be back.
Look out for more meandering thoughts on all things parenting soon!
